Horoscopes: December 2009
By Anna Gagnon
Aries: As the stars align around Neptune between the 27th and the 30th, be prepared for a love encounter. However, be wary of jilting those close to you as you chase these new feelings. Beware the Macho Nachos this month.
Taurus: The moons of Jupiter will fall into orbit on the 26th. Get ready for materialistic temptations that may cause you to spend frivolously. However, never underestimate the power of a good outfit or the potency of an ugly one.
Gemini: This month will bring great hardship. Although with heartfelt effort, and the help of loved ones, there will be no consequences. Be sure to join FarmVille this month.
Cancer: The future is blurry, invest in contact lenses.
Leo: This month will be particularly overwhelming. The long lists you have for holiday shopping will eat at you. Luckily you have close friends and family who will offer you their help. Keep your guard up for a potential Jingles encounter this month.
Virgo: Get ready for action this month on the 31st. It will show your strength, courage, and your affinity for wet cats.
Libra: Although the year is coming to an end, you will finish with a bang. Be prepared for a life changing experience that will pave the way for a new you next year. Be sure to buy a ten piece nugget meal before the end of the month. FREE CUP!
Scorpio: The stars are quiet for you this month. However, they do indicate that you should watch out for Mr. Keller.
Sagittarius: Fail.
Capricorn: You will get a visit from an unlikely person this month. Stay away from public restrooms.
Aquarius: Happiness is upon you this month, although the ingestion of dairy would almost mean certain and swift unrighteous downfall.
Pisces: As the winter solstice passes, you will encounter a new feeling of family closeness that will bring you much cheer this holiday season. Watch out for knees.
Disclaimer: I have no knowledge of astrology, nor do I have any psychic abilities.
